Did you think that 300 was excessively character driven? Did you find the plot of Avatar overly complicated? Did you think that the visual effects in Clash of the Titans were too subtle? Well, if so, you’ll find Sucker Punch to be the perfect movie. If not (like every single mentally tuned in human being) then you’ll find it to be a storytelling abhorrence on a level rarely witnessed in mainstream cinema. Put politely this movie doesn’t have a script and if it does have a script it should never have got past the first reader. Piling handfuls of glitter over a dog turd just means there’s more mess to clean up and boy does Zach Snyder have some mess on his hands.
I hoped that this film would basically be 300 for heterosexuals, a straightforward action adventure with astonishing visuals and very short skirts. Even the dismally discordant trailers didn’t totally alert me to the fact that this film turned out to be two hours of special effects that did not further the plot one iota. Baby Doll (played by Emily Browning) is sent to a mental asylum to the strains of Eurythmics and there she finds out that she’s going to be lobotomised. So far we’ve got a relatively coherent plot. At this point the asylum turns into a brothel, seemingly for no other reason than to strip the lead actresses down into corsets and garters. I’m not complaining, that was by far the best part of the film.
So how do we get ice palaces, robot ninjas, World War One and a bomb on a train (sorry Source Code)? Well, apparently that’s where Zach Snyder’s imagination runs to. Sure, there are some references to manga that may appeal to diehard comic book fans but on the four different levels of Baby Doll’s subconscious we are presented with a visually similar landscape except for the fact that the girls are wearing different outfits, different things are exploding around them and different things are trying to kill them. Other than that it’s the same mind numbing experience on repeat. It’s like Groundhog Day with flame throwing marmots.
Perhaps the most painful part of the experience is how juvenile and unstructured the film is. Snyder is like a kid in a candy shop assuming that throwing Abbie Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens and Emily Browning in with samurai swords and rape fantasies will make for a good movie. Like the child who experiments with caramel sauce and mashed potatoes he should now be able to confirm that it’s not a hybrid that works. Restraint will never be his way but let’s hope that he learns from Sucker Punch and applies that wisdom to his Superman reboot. I would hate to see Amy Adams in hot pants (hate is not quite the right word) bouncing around as Superman lays waste to the earth and all the mutant pirates who are chasing him. If he fails to learn from his mistakes here he should be tied to a chair and forced to watch his abomination for the rest of eternity- basically the same experience I had in the cinema this afternoon.
You know it’s terrible when it has that many gorgeous girls and I still hate it. The world will end in much the same way as the ideas for Sucker Punch were conceived.