Plot Suggestion for Skyfall

Not content with my non-existent role in Bond 23, aka Skyfall, I decided to write a short treatment for the new film which I really feel evokes the film’s none too elliptical title.

Skyfall opens with Bond falling from a plane (or from the sky, nerds) towards what looks like a rainforest but might just be CGI. The audience thinks ‘Oh, shit! He’s going to die!’.

But, no!

He has a parachute and looks like he’s heading for safety. However landing in a cluster of trees proves problematic and as he descends through the canopy he bangs his head on some foreign, potentially poisonous, branch and the concussion destroys all memories of the previous two movies.

When James wakes up it’s autumn but he’s in Salem, Massachusetts so they insist on calling it fall. James briefly visits the Peabody Essex Museum and after learning a great deal about Asian art, charters a jet back to the UK. The reason for this small segue is the fact that Americans refer to ‘autumn’ as ‘fall’. Get it?

Once back in London James decides to pursue his vendetta against the logging companies who failed to clear the area of jungle where he was supposed to land. His anger is stirred by the loss of memory of his two previous missions, one of which was very good the other was kind of meh.

His exhaustive search conveniently leads him to the Isle of Skye just off the Scottish coast where, amongst gorgeous scenery, he kills a collection of bad guys who might just be honest logging company employees. Having exterminated all his enemies he heads home for a martini and, let’s face it, sex.

When he arrives home he realizes that he’s left his TV on and, in a mysterious act of metafiction, has Sky+ recorded both Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. After watching these two films he regains his memories and is highly disappointed with his involvement in the latter.

The End.

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