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A Childish Imagining of what I’d do if I were in The Hunger Games Arena | The Clapper Bored

A Childish Imagining of what I’d do if I were in The Hunger Games Arena

Ok, in my head I’m from District 4. Let’s say it’s the fishing district, I don’t know, I’ve only seen the movie. After getting patted down by my respective Lenny Kravitz, I ascend in my weird tube thing into the arena.

So, everyone’s standing there, waiting to charge at the massive pile of weapons. Not me. I turn around and poise myself to head straight for the forest. I’m not going to do any of this Katniss Everdeen bullshit- almost getting killed because you’re indecisive at the beginning. I’m heading straight for foliage. Might throw Katniss a wink before hand though, she’s been eying me up during training…

So the gong goes off and, over coming my desire to see little children gutted like senile farm animals, I head straight for the cover of the forest. After all, I’ve seen the film, I know that hiding is a good idea. So I’m going to try and put as much distance between myself and the psychotic kids from District 1 as possible but without going too far because, you know, I’m not a massive fan of wild fire.

I actually reckon that the cave where Katnip and Peter have their semi-kiss is a pretty decent place for me to sit and listen to the cannons going off. There might be some moss or something that I can eat in there. And there are definitely plenty of large stones, so if anyone tries to sneak in with their swords and weapons and stuff, I can just throw a really large stone at their face. Problem solved.

Eventually I presume it’ll just be Katnip and me, Peter having died of being boring (or skin poisoning from all that painting himself). I’m not sure that I could ever wilfully kill Jennifer Lawrence, so that final showdown might be a bit dull. I guess I could throw a medium sized rock at her legs… Or maybe I could just pelt her with those deadly berries, hoping that one goes in her mouth. OR I could get Winter’s Bone on Blu-Ray and project it for her in the hope of fucking with her head so totally that she just has a heart attack or something.

To be honest, in all likelihood, I’d throw one of my small to medium sized rocks at her person (probably from behind) and she’d turn around and put an arrow through my forehead. On second thoughts I’m probably going to stay in my cave and just wait for her to die of dehydration or tetanus or something. Or maybe someone will do me a favour and conjure an enormous magic dog to eat her.

I win.


  1. Steph says:

    Who the hell is Peter???

    • Nick says:

      I noticed that Suzanne Collins had misspelt the name Peter ‘Peeta’ so I thought I’d correct it…no problem…