Transformers Syndrome

Symptoms:

Massive fist fights between insentient objects.

Explosions.

Women in extremely tight clothing/fetish outfits.

Screenplays that have 15 page long action sequences.

Characters that don’t seem to feel pain.

Major cities being destroyed.

Explosions.

History:

Transformers Syndrome was first discovered 2007 after the release of Michael Bay’s blockbuster. In that film, enormous robots repeatedly struck one another, much to the glee of teenage audiences. The syndrome has developed in modern popular culture thanks to such auteurs as Zach Snyder, Jon Favreau and, the Godfather, Michael Bay.

Cure:

The two main cures used in Western medicine are ‘interesting, dialogue centred, scripts’ and ‘character development’. The traditional Eastern remedy of just making people kicking the shit out of each other look awesome has been, somewhat, debunked in the 21st century but recent offerings 13 Assassins and The Raid have offered a counter argument.

In many cases the Transformers Syndrome is beyond any cure and must be stopped from spreading any further, preferably by making the action sequences short and realistic. If your script absolutely requires robots to punch one another then there’s little that modern medicine can do to help but the best thing would be to give them funny voices. Maybe get Chris Rock in.

Case study:

YouTube Preview Image

As you can see from this 5 minute scene, Transformers Syndrome is one of the biggest threats to modern cinema and humanity in general.

I would set up a hotline so that you could all donate to try and help the victims of Transformers Syndrome but, frankly, this epidemic is unstoppable thanks to the millions of you who went to watch Battleship. Congratulations guys, you’ve really fucked this up.

PlanB

2 Comments

  1. Chris H, future famous person says:

    Dude, I agree, and went to see Battleship. I am very ashamed of myself. It was a terrible movie. People forced me to do it.

    But as my contribution, I vow to never make movies like this myself. Artsy all the way.

  2. [...] it’s not the Zod is a particularly bad one, it’s just that the film inevitably devolves into Transformers Syndrome, where Superman is clashing with giant robots, or Zod is tackling US Airforce jets. Meh, call me [...]