The Dark Knight Rises Plot

Several years have passed since the events of The Dark Knight…

All of Gotham thinks that Batman killed Harvey Dent and some cops so Bruce Wayne has returned to his burnt mansion, hung up his suit and put on quite a bit of weight (flab, not muscle). Slobby, unshaven and smelling of crisp packets, Bruce is, simultaneously, mourning Katie Holmes/Maggie Gyllenhaal and watching fuck loads of Jeremy Kyle.

When a mysteriously buff and British super-criminal appears on the scene (Bane, noobs) Batman is forced to step out of retirement. Lucius Fox performs impromptu lipo suction on Bruce and gets him back in shape to the beat of a tasty montage. Once he’s back and sexy again, he starts his pursuit of Bane by chatting up Catwoman and the girl who played Edith Piaf in that French film.

Whilst Batman is distracted by pretty ladies, Bane rips Gotham to pieces, especially the bits that seem relevant to current affairs (fuck you Wall Street). When Batman finally gets his shit together, Alfred reveals that he and Lucius Fox have been, secretly, working together on a project to create a colony of amphibious ants. Whilst the ants were rejecting the water, a byproduct emerged in the form of a flying Batmobile.

The flying Batmobile would, of course, be more useful if Bane wasn’t hiding in the sewers and Batman racks up 4 parking fines in one day trying to get down to his nemesis.

When they, finally, do meet and fight, they spend 9 minutes desperately trying to make everyone forget how much more charismatic and interesting The Joker was. In the end both Bane and Batman are dead leaving absolutely no possibility of Chris Nolan doing another Batman movie…

…or so it seems. Batman comes back to life in order to break David Letterman’s neck on live TV. The ratings are good.

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